Friday, March 20, 2015
Emotionally Unavailable, the pot called the kettle.
So I guess the only thing to do is write, cook, photograph the results and keep with my German culinary flash cards.
I'll get a bike and ride from Sol to Pluto, find a new fishing buddy and go horseback riding.
And I guess in the long run this means that I don't have to give up my German music and "grow up". I won't have to listen to him plan on editing my body to be more perfect for him even though he kept telling me that I was beautiful. I won't have to curtail my writing habits because he is overly sensitive.
But I will have to deal with the flood of memories when I find his picture among the dozens that I took over the last year. I can't erase every album and collage that I put together after our adventures. Those times are a part of me. It's just that they are a part of him too. To erase one is to erase the other. I can't keep erasing myself just because a relationship didn't work.
After all, that is how they end up failing. He doesn't like something so I keep an opinion to myself. He doesn't like something else and there goes an activity. The next thing that he doesn't like keeps me vigilant to avoid a combative argument. I learn to steer away from provocative topics. Then I quickly learn every topic provokes an outrageous and outlandish outburst. It always starts out as little things. But once the criticisms begin the little things get bigger and bigger.
I don't know if I am normal or stupid to hold out hope that a little time will fix these things. Time never does fix anything like this. We had a fundamental difference in our make ups. The beginning of the end was the day he asked me to quit writing about our adventures. I've been asked to keep quiet before. I've swallowed all of my words and then had to keep them down with mouthfuls of decadent desserts so that I wouldn't barf them all over the place and ruin a relationship I should have been working to get out of. I am a communicator. They all know this going in.
And this one seemed quite proud of my skills. What better way is there to get to know someone who is shy face to face than to read a blog in which the relative isolation of writing from home gives the illusion of anonymity? But when he realized I chronicled our adventures, even though it was to inspire other stay at home geeks to get out and do something daring for themselves, I had to stop. No one ever saw his face. We didn't do anything that we should not have done. We simply explored the world around us. I talked about the things that I learned, the confidence that I gained, and how I felt. And he asked me to stop. I've been there before. I should have known not to stop. I should have known that being silenced would be the first step to total erasure.
I stayed silent as long as I could.
I put myself aside as long as I could.
Then he had some issues and needed to take some time.
And that is how it ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.
And an accusation of emotional unavailability.
I am not emotionally unavailable. I am emotionally involved with several fictional characters & the actors that portray them.