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Tuesday, May 5, 2015

I Want To Be a Cat

When things don't go quite right we joke about karma catching up to us for misdeeds in a past life. And sometimes we joke about getting a mulligan after this one is over. And then there are other times when we have conversations about the weird things that we do, habits not ticks, or how remarkably like some animals we are. We've pretty well decided that I have been a cat at least 7 times. If there is such a thing as cross species incarnation in the concept of reincarnation then I would have to bet that I've been a cat far more than 7 times. And if I have to have another terrestrial go around I would like to be a cat again.

They just don't worry about what anyone else thinks. If one person won't pay attention to them then they move down the line until they find the place where they get all their needs met and can sleep in the sun whenever it shines. Truly the life of relaxed nervous systems! Oh to have a fluid spine again! To land on my feet instead of my nose or my head. The leap from the maw of danger in one smooth stretch. To make everything look as effortless as breathing. Mostly though....

I want to sleep like a cat. Dead to the world and its worries when I crash and wide awake the second my feet hit the floor. You should see the bags under my eyes... AROUND my eyes. I look like Zorro. And for some reason, I never really ever wake up during the day. It seems completely wrong to feel this way at only 45. Oh sure, a bunch of people would like to blame my diet. My lack of gym time. With so physical a job as what I have, I  don't think that I need a gym. Sure my diet could change. But what would help my ability to rest is to actually be allowed to rest.

The real problem is my geeky little brain is happy when it is puzzling things. And it doesn't know how to tackle only one problem at a time. My brain is stuck in 3rd gear. While it hasn't been my week, month or year for a while, the things that have plagued me are gone now. Everything in my life is new compared to last year. Except that I still am staying awake puzzling, I still don't have enough to pay for my hospital bills and I still don't live entirely alone. My brain just keeps thinking. It keeps trying to entertain itself when I want to sleep.

I am mentally exhausted.
I want to be a cat.

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