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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Nebulous Brain

It's that time of the year again, a change in season, where one has to start to change paces. Summer with its bounty of Sunshine is a high energy season. I spent all that energy and then some on work. Winter is very low energy and it can be hard to find the motivation to do the things that need to be done. Knowing that Winter is coming means that Autumn is the time to reset.

I'm in a bizarre transitional period right now anyway and the onset of seasonal influenced moods isn't helping me to discern things anyway. Two parts of my past have surfaced. One I was hoping for and the other is a surprise that I do not know how to take. Additionally there is a new job with its foibles and the constant struggle of behaving around people and blowing up the whole planet to find some peace.

It is official, I'm in full on menopausal mode. My sense of self preservation is the only reason that I don't blow things up. it is the only reason that I don't let my temper blow up. I need my job. I need to not lose friends. But I need some goddamned time to myself. I need to have some solid chunks of time where I can just be me. My life is one big contraction.

In order to make work work for me I have to cut part of myself off to be part of that team.
In order to make home work I have to cut part of me off to fit into the plan for co-existence.
In order to make anything work, I cut myself off to fit behind the apostrophe in what ever space remains.

Notice in most contractions (can+not=can't) the whole of the first remains and a third of the last remains. That is how I feel at work. I barely function when I get done. Too much pain. Too much thinking for other people and too much drama from other departments. And it is much the same at home. Everyone else's big personality is right there with mine but mine is getting squished.

I have pending kidney issues again. And my brain needs to be reset. I can not do that in the company of others. I am the person who needs alone time to recharge. ALONE. Alone means Alone. It doesn't mean with one or two people. It means alone. Alone doesn't mean absentmindedly watching TV with friends. It means isolated and either not thinking (meditation which blends into naps) or just being without boundaries.

We all get the meditation into naps thing. It is a sign that our bodies are worn out and need replenishment. It's the being without boundaries thing that most people don't understand. I could write a book on what that means if only the thoughts were not so nebulous in my own brain. And that is the problem. Right now everything is Nebulous.

I am so stuck with my work identity and the home team with all of the energy that constantly buffets my defenses that the definition that I have for myself is no longer as clear as it once was. Holding onto solid thoughts is harder and harder each day. I am losing myself in everything. I get lost while chasing threads of ideas so much so that I can rarely find my starting point. My memory can easily be influenced and manipulated in such circumstances. I am easily manipulated in such circumstances. Goals and dreams for myself are set aside to get through each work day and then I come home to deal with the needs of the many.

The needs of the many. I wonder how Spock would advise in such a manner. The continuous use of resources leads to depletion when stocks are not properly filled. There is no logic in depleting resources. But then one also can not show compassion for others if one is not taking care of ones self. There is no logic in neglecting self care.

My writing suffers now as much as my art ever has.
So much in my brain and none of it makes any sense.

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