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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

There is a Word for That!

Ben Shott published a book not that long ago that I referenced and announced a desire to have. And since then the subject of subjective words has come up on a website that I frequent. I've had all of these words rattling around in my head for a while. I keep forgetting to ask my pen pall if they are real, like Speckshild. What I have decided is that I don't care if they are real or not. Someone actually took the time to identify feelings universally felt but not universally understood.

We all know this feeling. I've been in the mauerbauer mode for quite some time. And in trying to understand this mode I have realized two things: I feel this way because I am overwhelmed with everyone else's emotions, intentions, energies and needs. I am overwhelmed with the persistent belief both actively stated and passively asserted that I do not get to have time to myself. And I feel this way because right now I just don't really like too many people because of all the pain that has been ever present these last few months since I got dumped.

What a surprise... that is going to take a while longer to get over.

I have always been a solitary individual. I have always been easily overwhelmed with life when everyone around me is in panic mode and expects weeks worth of work to be done in days if not hours. My standard post holiday response is a barf fest of epic proportions. But when it comes to the daily grind of being around others I usually need hours of alone time daily. Now that I am in management and have to think for so many people.... well I barely find the strength to eat.

It really is no surprise that I want everyone to go away. Even the people that I like a lot. Even our mysterious returning figure. I want him. But I want to be left alone. I am glad he is back, I am glad that life has not kept us apart. But I really hope that when he said "Late fall", he meant the end of November. Because I can not fathom trying to move, do this job and settle into a different routine in this mood. This word, perfectly captures what I feel. Though admittedly, it offers no solution.

The solution I think I can figure out for myself.

As for the authenticity of mauerbauertraurigkeit....

mauer is wall. And that is exactly what I am trying to erect, one of those impressive fortress walls that Sting would write about.

bauer is peasant or farmer. I'm not sure how this fits into the word construction. On the surface it seems to make no sense. Unless this specifically refers to those farmers who are in desperate need of a neighbors help for breaking ground or harveting but turn the help away. The stubborn independence might be a farmer's trait.

traurigkeit is sadness.

Essentially a wall of sadness. But it specifically is attached to the idea of keeping people at a distance.

Geez, I will have to ask her if this is a real word.

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