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Friday, February 6, 2009

reflections of the way life used to be

It really has been a refelctive few months. Even before the class reunion... actually, as I realize that I took my first housekeeping gig last Feb 8th, I would have to say it has been a reflective 12month. I got online to see if there would even be a reunion. And I have been on line ever since. First Wil Wheaton opened the floodgates of dammed writer stuff. Then there was the dating websites and Facebook and now... a full year after throwing myself into the cogwheels of teh great machine, I am thinking. Some of it is about how life used to be. Some of it is how life could be, which depresses the hell out of me. But most of it is how wrong I had been.
I'm glad I was wrong. I felt marginalized and ignored as a kid because I kept having to insulate myself. Funny, I had always thought that it was the kids at school who made that necessary. But it has always been my brother. The torment started at home and followed me everywhere. In a way, because I felt I needed to protect myself, I prevented some friendships from taking hold in my youth. True, since Julie's passing, I have been more aware of the things that meant alot to me when I was a kid. But I realize that I isolated myself. Not EVERYONE was a problem. Not ALL of the time. Of course I did realize this coming out of middle school and heading into the glory days of highschool. But I could not think then, that there could have been a rosy golden color to my life... only less red and black. I wasn't goth on the outside but I sure felt it inside.

i don't know, i don't really have any coherent thoughts just yet. Just needed to exercise my fingers on the keyboard and do something today.

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