With the madness of King Fred chomping at my innards, I almost forgot about the anniversary coming up. I am still excited about it. I am very proud of myself for having had the discipline to write, even when I felt like my mad skillz were shite, when I would rather have been reading some well crafted Wheaton/Scalzi/Kenyon than my own schlock and drek. I am also proud of myself for having the forethought to set a boundary around this project by not telling the brother where to read. And I am proud of having the werewithall to enjoy this clandestine adventure.
As one could guess, whatever he knows about he belittles and denoues like a rainforest in Cambodia. But more than that, knowing that there isn't going to be a "schooling" from him, the only editor that I have to battle is my internal critic. With some sage words not only from the Wheaton, but also from Nick Mancuso, I feel my confidence returning. I am not yet to character construction and plotting, but I am writing. It is good practice to just be consistent. But also to be able to go back and pick up the threads of thoughts that seemed to get away from me.
One of the things about blogging, and this is for ACG and his blog habits as well as my own, is to remember that, moreso than with a journal, this is a relationship. An individual post isn't the sum of the whole, it is only a part. Much like first meeting an individual, no matter what type of relationship you will have with them in the future, the single post is like a first meeting. You get a feeling for their flavors and personality not the whole life story. The blog is a study in pictures. Each post is a photographic explaination of moments in commentary. Some of those glimpses reveal pain and heartache, some the pure joy of a moment. Some of them are going to be pure exposition. But put altogether, the blog is you. The frequency of your posts goes to quality of care. You can see how well I maintain my mental health care and hopefully extrapolate the rest of my life. You can see how I think; what makes my blood boil for good or for evil. You get to see how I feel about my heroes; why they are my heroes, and know a bit about me.
It is a relationship. This statement scares me. And that, only because if I had to really look at the way my life's scope has narrowed since I have been back in Traverse City, this is the most stable relationship I have had. Not the longest, just the most stable.
Good? Bad? Scarry? Or normal for an Aquarius? I tend to think that it is more normal for many people than we are lead to believe is acceptable. We live in a world where lives and circumstances change faster than a green light to red when you need to go through. We don't live in generational homes like we used to. We travel farther afield from our immediate families than some of our previous generations. And, if I have learned anything from what little I've discovered about my family history, those of us who have immagrant backgrounds are well adapted to transplant ourselves and thrive where we are planted. The only reason I have not in the last 13 years is because I have been untrue to myself and shrunk into a cocoon that was supposed to keep me safe. So much for that thought. And it wasn't my plan anyway so who cares if that shrunken life was FUBARed. My point was that I am uniquely designed to boldly explore new lives and new circumstances. This new kind of relationship is no different in principle than any other... it just looks strange. That doesn't mean it is bad... just different. Comtria! Maybe even better.
I can take all of my computer friends with me. Thanks to facebook, I can have an entire life in my suitcase and go anywhere I want to. No one is any further than a mouseclick away. Of course, there is the need for physical human contact. And no computer will replace a hug when a hug is required. But, it should prevent my world from shrinking any further and encourage me to actually expand it. I do not doubt that from my current world view point in King Fred's domain that the cyberworld is better and safer than the physical world, viruses, hackers and system errors be damned! But I have to remember that this is also a tool. A blog cannot be more tool than relationship or it becomes nothing. Rather like treating the people in your life like so much furniture and taking for granted that they are standing in the corner into which you put them... one must take great care to remember that the tool is the connection and the connection is the key to sustainability in relationships.
Of course it is much safer and more comfortable to write when one is under the delusion/illusion that there is only your brain and the keyboard involved.
And with that I am looking forward to this anniversary. I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing in a month let alone two. I don't even know that things will look significantly different on the outside of my life than they do now. I only know that there are great changes taking place within. I am looking forward to sharing them her with you.