I have decided that there are only two things that we can truly call our own. That is CHOICE and CONSEQUENCE; for every choice has its effect in our lives and in our world. I am thinking about this because I have been trying to untie the knots that the mad King Fred has made of the yarn bag [don't be lost, it is semi code for a workable string theory- ask Hawking]. The personal blow up last week involved a palpable sense of helplessness. I wrote about it earlier. And I have decided that I did not overexaggerate the effect of his behavior in my life. I felt like my choices were being taken from me, one by one. But not just the choices of the day. I felt like I was losing the right to chose ANYTHING. I felt like the future was being taken from me.
It is similar to having your home burglarized or your femininity assaulted. If you don't want something any more then you have the right as property owner to decide when to part with it and to whom it will go. When your home is broken into and your possessions are stolen you no longer have that choice. And you may not ever recover that choice. I haven't personal experience with the other. But I do know that no one will take from me what I will not share in that department without serious loss of limbs and member. Because I get to make choices in my life. That is what "free will" is all about.
I chose selfemployment over college; for my reasons.
I chose a marriage for my reasons.
I chose that divorce for my reasons.
I chose to live in MQT.
I chose to be the good child and come home to help dad care for mom.
I chose a career to settle my passions into.
I chose love over fear; forgivness and passion over hate and stagnation.
I chose to spend time with my dad in his last years.
I chose my art; fitting since it chose me.
Each of my choices were mine to make. Mom wanted me to be a graphic designer so she could be Sam to my Darren Stevens. I am smart enough to do that job on my own thanks. But I don't want to do that job and be the person everyone hates for the new SyFy name. Dad wanted to get me married off to make my life easier, because I am more philosophic than pragmatic. My sister wants me to be something "other". I'm not sure what her choice for me is, only that it isn't art. My brother wants what he can get from others that he is afraid of cultivating within himself. And sometimes my choices reflect my understanding and desire to placate others whims. They don't make me do it. I just feel really bad that I recognize my freedom and they don't recognize theirs. So I stay with them in their little boxes until I can't stand it anymore. That is my choice. And it too has consequence for which there may be untolled ramifications. My choices. And my consequences.
The consequence of self employment has been a wildly modulating wave of prosperity and poverty.
The consequences of my first marriage are legion: top three, relationships are scarrier now than they were before; most fundamental christians consider me irreparably damaged and not suitable for mating even if I weren't terrified to try again; and, I question my judgement everytime I am faced with a choice because I married based on bad intell.
The consequences of my divorce are much like the consequences of being married in the first place. But add to the divorce column my sister's conviction that I set a precedent within our family dynamic that is as unavoidable and powerful as the gravitational pull of a blackhole. WOW, what a superpower.!!! [Must remember to use it only for good]. The belief obviously is untrue but as it is a belief, and a persistant one, it is something that I have to live with in every conversation with her.
The consequence of having lived in MQT is painful homesickness on occassions and a host of wonderful friends... proving that not all consequences have to be painful. Remember rewards are consequences on the positive spectrum of scale.
The consequence of coming home to help Dad was some great time with him, some painful admissions following grief therapy and the realization that my Dad is a much stronger person than I had ever given him credit for. Yea dad!
In love over fear I left my self wide open to the kind of pain I thought I was determined to avoid. Broken heart, hard heart, deeper introversion, paranoia, and a profound distrust of anyone who tells me that I am pretty. Hella way to live huh?
In chosing art I have chosen deeper self awareness, fulfillment, gained some much appreciated and needed applause. And the starving artist lifestyle, I have also remembered why I chose art. Art isn't art til you give it away... sort of. I have found my voice again. And in that choice, in the finding, I have opened another menu with another set of choice and consequence.
A friend of mine is struggling with all the choices that have brought him to this place in his life. His latest comminuque was disturbing to say the least. But it brought home to me what I have been trying to sort out for this past week. So in trying to find words for him, I find words for me. And I share them with all of you because the truth of the matter is often obscured by the privations of fear and the immediacy of providing for ones needs and ones family. And the truth is this:
Life is a series choice and consequence sets. Each choice opens a flow chart [does anyone still use those?] of possibilities. Most of the time we make rash and blind choices because what we are feeling is the fear and immediacy of panic. Stop. In the moment in which you stop, should you find that you don't like the look of that moment, breathe, see what lies before and behind you, see what lies around you. Then look several options beyond your immediate choice. Choose. In otherwords, if you don't like what you see change the channel.
My friend, if you read this, I want you to know that we are not bound by the past for the inevitable conclusions that people tell us must be there. Sure... rob a bank go to jail. I mean that if you truly have chased people away it is not a forgone conclusion that you will be forever alone. If you have thrown a life savings to the wind you do not have to end up impoverished. You've identified somethings in your life to make you question. You have consequences that reflect past choices. Make different KINDS of choices and you will get NEW results. There is nothing wrong with your profession or your age. I would suggest that there is only something wrong with perpetual guilt over succeeding where others are not (been there, still doing that), measuring yourself against others. I mean really, if you were supposed to be someone else you would be. You are you. I am not suggesting the ostritch manoeuver of pretending that the world's all wrong and you are flawless. I am only saying that believing your flaws (whatever you determine they are) are permanent and irreversible is self limiting and completely not part of the plan.
This is for you, my other friends in need and for me. But this is for everyone. You don't have to share the post. But do share the sentiment. There is nothing "wrong" with any of us that has to create such despair.
There is nothing so helpless to the human being, especially an American who has been spoonfed a history of freedom at all costs, as having the power of choice taken from us. It is a basic human right, the only right that God truly gave us. Even HE does not interfere with our choices. He just hides behind one hand while he points with the other to grant our wishes [think Genie in Aladdin]. The consequences, unforseen to us, can be painful, ugly, or painfully ugly. But he lets us make them because that is how we grow, learn, learn to make better choices. And if you don't like the term better, substitute with different. The painful part of living with our choices is often the people around us who think that they could have lived our lives better than we have and procede to take our power of choice. No one can take that from you. You can be coerced into signing over your power of choice to another. But they can't take it from you. If some one tries... run! At all cost, do not give your power away. Use it. Use it for good. Use it responsibly. Just use it.
I won't say damn the consequences. Lack of awareness of consequences often contributes to eventual powerlessness in such circumstances as we have been finding oursleves in lately. But don't be paralyzed by the what ifs. Don't allow the past to immobilize you. And if you have to, feel free to change components. Who ever is in your face telling you that nothing will ever change; get rid of them. People who tell you that you aren't worth bothering with; get rid of them. If you are telling yourself this, slap your own face with a bracing handful of ice water and get with a new program. And, friends, consider this: I for one, do not approve friend requests, or make them, on Facebook unless I really want that person in my life. So if you are one of my FB peeps, you know there is at least one person who genuinely has your back. And on days when the sight of my own face sickens me I keep in mind that the same is probably true of people who accepted/sent a friend requenst. I know that you people have my back.
And, while I was tempted earlier to quote Sting, I shall leave you with this word from the Beattles: "All you need is love. Love is all you need."
All levels. All frequencies. All networking sources.