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Monday, May 17, 2010

16 going on 17

Apparently I need someone older and wiser telling me what to do. I walked into work one day last week, still car-less, and got a lecture. I spent too much money to get my car fixed. "You need to ask around here before you do stuff like that." It would seem that the new maintenance guy also does car repairs. It would also seem I've learned nothing about popping off with rude comments.

Fortunately my ride showed up before I could make a commentary about the real benefits of asking my coworkers for anything. But I am ashamed to say I was ready to pick a fight. Firstly I have asked. I asked older and wiser to help with something and he blew it off. I have asked my girlfriends what to do about the guy I like and was sabotaged. I asked about rooming with people and we know how well that turned out. I asked my closest friend to spot me and have been run into the ground for it. None of this is older and wiser's fault. Well... except the thing he didn't do. I mention it only because he introduced me to a growth op that ties into an older conversation about my independent streak.

All I can really say is that there is nothing wrong with independence. I know that we all need a helping hand once in a while. But you can't just ask without thought to whom you ask and for what. At every turn I find that my initial reticence to open up is not the horrible thing that I thought it was. I've only managed to confirm the things that dad and grandpa taught me.

Be wary of people who would rush to help when you did not ask them. And when you ask and receive be aware that the cost of the repayment is going to be more than the help. I haven't found an even trade yet. From an early age I learned that you have to be careful. I've tried to avoid needing help. That's why I know most of the practical things that I know. I do have an independent streak. For a while I thought that was bad.

When I was in Christian fellowships they tried to teach me, in various ways, that my kind of independence was a slap in God's face. After all, how can he work miracles in my life when I don't ask for them or I have so much control over my life that there is little room for opportunity? When anyone starts in with the dating advice then my independence is an issue because guys need to feel needed. Yet I'm told that you can't act needy. Talk about confusing. First, if I don't need help on a daily basis then God can give His time and Spirit to someone who is in dire straits. Secondly, wouldn't it be nice to be WANTED and not needed?

I see a lot of women who need someone and take what is offered from God and Man alike but don't really want either one of them. That is not fair. And it just leaves a guy feeling used up and dried out. Why would I want to be like that? Why would God or a guy want someone who uses them and doesn't care? I'm not helpless. And I don't know everything. I am self sufficient enough to not be a pain in the ass. I don't have to have absolutely every little thing done for me. So why is that bad?

Maybe my independence doesn't leave openings or opportunities for conversation. Maybe there really is an ego issue that exists that I don't respect. I'd hate to think that. That would be an empathic disaster. Maybe there is a perception directed toward me that I am unaware of. Again an empathic disaster. To run rough shod over these kinds of things is to ignore the basics of what makes us who we are. It may well be that I have run over some one's feelings with unintentional insensitivity.

When it comes to asking guys for help I come by my independence honestly. My girl friends used to break things on purpose to get a guy they liked to pay attention to them. Then when they got his attention they ignored him. It was a game for them. They used the boy's need to be helpful or recognised for their skills against them. And any boy who didn't fall for that trick was treated with derision and contempt. So many of my guy friends would complain about it that I decided that I wouldn't be one of those girls who asked because they could. I would only ask if I had to. There are lots of other ways to get a guy to pay attention to you that don't seem so superficial. But I think that someone forgot to tell the guys that.

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