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Tuesday, December 27, 2011


I am going to have to stop writing here for a while. Not that I have been overly prolific. But the well is a bit dry on the geeky topics and there is little weird and amazing running through my head right now. There is art. But I have an art blog for that. No. I will not be posting for a while because there is a big ugly thing in my life that needs attention.

I've been working some baby steps on the issue. But the need to speed things up has presented itself. So I am off to figure out some key questions. I was diagnosed with PTSD about 4 sessions ago. Unfortuneately it was the last session with my first therapist.  And the new one and I have been laying more foundation work... you know, going over what is in the file, reviewing goals, looking at new issues and seeing where we need to focus next.

PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is what used to be known as shell shock. Usually combat trauma related, in non combat situations things like car accidents, rape, natural disasters and being the survivor after a collective trauma like 9/11 typically are the seat of PTSD. I say typically because the other cause is so often mistaken for something else.

The other cause of PTSD is accumulative stress over repeated incidents of trauma. The cause is different but the effect is the same. In time there is a debilitating loss of functionality across one or two or all areas of life. Because mine is not linked to one intense trauma it was hard to diagnose. And now that we have a diagnosis we are proceeding with seperating my dysfunctions that ocurr because of inexperience from the dysfunctions that are rooted in trauma.

I would love to talk about it here. But this is really not the venue. I will say that the cause of mine was emotional rape beginning in infancy and carried forward. And I will also say, because it is all that I can say, that as a result of not knowing how to answer a simple question as a child results in not knowing how to answer a simple question as an adult. If you ask me what color the sky is I will tell you it is blue. I see that it is blue. And I know that you will all know that it is blue. But I grew up with people, one in particular, who would punish me for saying it was blue. And then would punish me if I agreed that it was green. And god help me at sawn or twighlight because I will never get that answer right.  In short, I grew up never knowing where I stood.

I never knew what the right thing was to do because there was so little consistency. And my life was designed that way. I may have latched onto my grandparents and religion as a result. In Catholicism the rules are in front of your face and they do not change. Not when you are a child anyway. And there were only 10 of them and there were no exceptions. Life was a steady game of Clavin ball which is only a game when Calvin and Hobbes play it.

Another result is that to some levels I am very open and in many cases too open and too free with my affections and too inclusive. But of that is the Aquarius. But a large part of that is because it looks like I am approachable while allowing me to maintain my secrecy. I tell you guys a lot of things. I say a lot more on facebook. And everyone thinks that they are getting the good down deep things because no one else shares to that degree. And I do not get pestered. That illusion allows me a buffer to protect the core of who I am.

One person wants that core. I would love to share down there because when I am in my core, even though I am totally comfortable there, there is a loneliness that solitude and security can not compensate for. But he can not go there.

That core is all that is left of me. That core is my hopes. Dreams. Aspirations. Fantasies. It is where I am most authentic. Honestly I do not care if my thoughts are right or wrong from the perspective of the degree in difficulty in cleaning up my messes when I screw up. I do not care about messy emotions because messes can be cleaned up. What I care about is that my wrong choice is MINE. My right choice is MINE. My thought process, even if it is neurotic and backwards are just a subtle phase shift out of whack with this Universe, is MINE. Notice the word MINE, beginning and end equals ME. To touch me in my core is to invade a territory guns ablazing...

It sets the Klaxxons screaming. You might not be a Klingon with a full array of armaments ready for bear. But the autodefenses do not know that. And I, being the one who set them does not know that.

I have been accused of being a people pleaser. I am not so in the traditional sense. Yes. I want to tell people what they want to hear. In part because happy people are good people to be around. But when we start getting into the deep waters I will tell people what they want to hear because it Protects ME. I will tell you the sky is purple if it makes you happy to think so. It is not a falsehood that will crash economies or rupture Space time. But if I have to tell you the sky is purple when it is a blazing blue and you expect me to believe and live as though it is purple... well I have issues with that.

Its like when people say "I am not like that." You can say that. But I do not have to believe it. If you want me to believe it then you have to do things differently than others who have wormed their way to the core only to rape me yet again.

And here is where the writing hiatus comes in. I have a vey big decision to make. I can not make it without knowing, given the PTSD if I have healthy defenses, if his desire to go that deep is healthy (and so far I am told that even in a martital relationship each person has to be individuated so that they do not suffocate one another), if I will ever be able to allow someone as deep as he wants to go & how to identify someone safe to let into that inner sanctum. And if it turns out that there is no way to live with others what the healthy way of living a lone is.

I have not wanted to say that to him because I was afraid of the warning signs that would go off in his head while I am trying to figure this out. But now the push is on because I have done something stupid in the attempt to get answers faster.

It is all part of boundaries. Respect for treading lightly. But he is intense. Even his aunt says so. And for a long time I felt like I was being dragged behind a horse through the desert and expected to keep up without water and rest. He is so far ahead of me in so many ways. When you are not strong there is only so far you can go. And when you are damaged you have to mend it to go forward. I think that mending period is being viewed as stagnation. There is a lot changing on the inside but it will take a while to see the effects. Both of my counselors keep asking me why I want to rush the process. All I have said is that I am 41 and feel that I should be in a better place in my life. Being homeless this time last winter supprts that statement well. But I've been trying to rush because this relationship has been slipping. It has great potential, as he says. And when its good its great.

I've thought a lot of things. And I've tested those thoughts. And some of the tests caused bigger problems. Some of the tests brought out solutions. I am no where close to answers that will help though. I know what my gut is telling me. But I don't know if that is anger or rationality. I know what my heart is telling me but I don't know if my heart can always be trusted.

All I know is that I have to set some things aside to work on this issue.

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