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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Serious Questions on Chosing Geeks Wisely Answered

I may have, perhaps, overshared in that last post. However the die is cast and I see no reason to remove the post, but I would like to fix one or two things that I said.

First thing, I get paid well. I simply, over Winter do not get hours that I need. It's tourist based and therefore as fickle as any of Fate's fingers. And I did get offered a couple of jobs. However in the meantime, work offered me something better that will lead to better things years from now. A resume booster and the means to take care of myself all rolled into one. I would have been a fool to refuse. So I accepted and started my first day of training for a new position today. A day which fate marked with a curious visit.

The second thing that I want to clear up is the question of having questions. I love my boyfriend. He has spent the last several weeks being my cheerleader and talking me off of the mental ledges to which I have been running (sometimes on purpose and other times quite blindly) and nearly killing myself over. He doesn't let me beat myself up for erroneous judgment calls and he doesn't do it either. I've not been yelled at or castigated for voicing my fears, concerns and paranoid delusions. In fact, I am not always sure something is paranoid until he points it out and then the big scary parts melt away. He's been far more generous than I am comfortable with for the moment and he has been clear about where all the lines are. In the world of boundaries there are no fluid lines of demarcation anywhere; always know where I stand. And I know if it is because of my behavior or it if is a personal change he is making that makes the lines diverge. I don't find out after I've crossed it. In this relationship there are so many things that make me comfortable. And so many things that in the realm of the Geeks I will catch up on... the question of cohabiting that I vaguely referred to is regarding a phenomenon that happens when we are able to get together for more than a few hours.

When we do a sleep over we do not sleep much. He tries to cram a lot into a short visit and we end up talking about a wider range of topics than Pantone has colors*. And that leaves me a little out of sorts when I have to work. I love to talk about stuff. I love to share movies and music. But I do need to have some good sleep. I have a flat mate for the moment with some restrictions for quiet times. And since we are ill equipped to keep him entertained on his own I am the entertainment.

You see, my boyfriend is one of those Sheldon Cooper/Sherlock Holmes types whose brains are always on. Which is great. Always. And it is fun. But I need sleep. I've settled the matter in my head that when we can cohabitate I can tell him to go away and let me sleep because he will have his own things around him so that he can keep his brain busy while I am sawing logs. It's just the thing with right now that is at issue. This last visit we had a long talk about this sort of thing. I am honestly looking forward to the next phase.

The next phase has to wait though. There are housing issues within the region.... like I have to make up my mind if saving money on housing is worth the extra cost in gas, the commute time, the kinds of road conditions I am willing to drive through, etc. There are other issues with logistics and jobs that have to be worked out as well. "Which job do you stay closer to?" is one I am finding most interesting. And it turns out we are both a bit night blind, which given changes at my job, may no longer be so much an issue for me. And let's be honest: I didn't think of a lot of things where logistics are concerned because I have a big hole in my vision where that is all concerned since Dad died.

And if I want to be really honest: I don't even want to have these questions on the radar because I still resent having the house I was supposed to live in be taken away from me through the bully tactics my family has most often used to keep me in a role befitting my status as Eldest. But since these questions are here, and they keep begetting more questions, it is going to take more time than we were initially planning to sort the logistics out. Oh, and the rapidly changing and increasing rates of housing in our market region. Slight uptick in consumer spending? Small upward movement in the market? Let's gouge the living hell out of everyone!

Each and every time the subject comes up my boyfriend very gently reminds me that I need to be looking forward. Sometimes he's pretty blunt about it. But most often he reminds me that the way forward is without the old people in my life who stirred pots, moved lines, changes rules on me. Most of the time he just says, "Hey Ree, I'm right here." as if I wasn't seeing him. And when I am looking in the past I am not. So not only am I not seeing him, I am not seeing my way forward. And in failing to see him standing there, walking with me and holding my hand, or supporting with one of those great hugs, I am not seeing anything but me and the things that scare me.

He has a still soft voice when he is distracting me from my woes which does wonders for clearing my head. And once we separate fact from crap, there is a host of geeky misadventures to enjoy and remind us what life in Geekdom is supposed to be like, what it can be like in the soon-to-be-settled future. He reminds me to be patient, that things take time to sort out and will happen in due course. And above all.... I feel like everything that needs to be smoothed out can be.

In the meantime, I deal with the occasional sleep deprivation, keep my eyes peeled for solutions that better fit our circumstance, and remain thankful that we found each other.

I also remind myself that learning to chose your geeks wisely is a process and that I am making progress as I go along.

*Reference for art geeks. Sorry

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