I really want to have my own house again. I hate visiting my things in storage. I hate driving out of the way to get things that should be sitting in the kitchen cupboard. I absolutely hate that the decorating I would like to do I can not.
And I have no one to blame for it but myself. Oh sure, I had help staying in a bad situation. And now I have some help to dig myself out of it. But the less time that I have to myself, the more I want my own house. It is weird because I have the best housemates I could have asked for. I think that it is just that I am getting to the point where the lack of personal space and time to meditate is starting to wear on me. Would it be different were I in my own home?
Yes and no. I still will be having adventures. And I will still have to do the responsible thing with the budget and make lunches ahead. So there will still be those kinds of scheduling difficulties. But both of us will be able to be comfortable instead of feeling like we are intruding into someone else's space.
And you just cant slap paint on the walls in someone else's house because you feel like it. I think my soul is just feeling a little claustrophobic. Even though this issue is getting to be a big deal on the inside it is not translating into an intense need to make changes on the outside.
Germany and a home of my own are on the top of the list of priorities but I am having a hard time setting any. I don't know what to do first. I know what I should do but not what I want to do. And some old habits are slipping back into the routine.
It might be time to see the therapist on a regular basis again.
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