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Monday, January 12, 2015

If Money Were No Object You Still Have to Set Your Intentions

It would be the 23rd century and I would be a xeno-anthropologist or linguistics geek on a slightly less classier class of starship than the Enterprise. But seriously. And I have to be serious because the therapist wants me to be serious. No gallivanting about the galaxy, or at least the Gamma Quadrant for me. No, I have to decide what I would do if money were no object, time were irrelevant and I cared not a jot for anyone but myself. What would I do?

What would I do?

WHAT would I do?
What WOULD I do?
What would I do?
What would I DO...ooooo?

The immediate answer, and almost as flippant an answer now as the 23rd century comment above, is go to Germany. It's something that I have wanted for so long that it is a pat answer. And I don't think about what go to Germany means any more.

I guess that is a problem for my therapist. It's a problem for her because it means it is a problem for me.

I'm not thinking about me again. I am thinking about all sorts of things now except for what is good for me and what I want. I am not setting goals to achieve my desires. Rather I am building a bucket list so that it sounds like I have things that I want to do. Things that I am going to do and I look like a normal person. That isn't to say that I don't still want to go to Germany. Of course I do. I have since I was 15. But I am not consciously thinking about it.

I am consumed by other things right now: Getting out of debt, Securing my position at work & evaluations. I am on autopilot in parts of my life. And in others I am completely unconscious. The what would I do if I had no limitations part is very much dormant.

It's one of those things that I regret in this very moment. I've enjoyed the new experiences and exploring new ideas with the addition of new people in my life. But in this moment I regret that I have let some key parts of me fall asleep. One of me fears in being in any kind of relationship is losing the parts of me that I truly enjoy, parts of me that people think of when they think of me.

I am more than just a name. I am more than my job title and position in my family. I am my thoughts, ideas, my art work, my writing. I have an intangible quality that defies definition in a few short paragraphs, or long ones for that matter. And I don't ever want to lose those parts of me. For all of my life I have fought someone to preserve them; fought family, fought conforming to my friends ideas of who I should be, fought church and small groups, fought bullies and boyfriends. In some cases I have traded physical comfort and endured bodily damage to protect the most valuable parts of me, Spirit & Soul.

Why do I keep letting these things slip? Why do I let me get lost with these "responsibilities"? Are we only the sum of our duties? Am i simply struggling with the darker shades of an artists soul search because the weather is dismal? Do I only feel disjointed or are things honestly out of balance? Is it time to identify myself some other way? Do I want a new identity? Why do I not set intentions toward achieving my bucket list?

In part, it is the introverted world observer that I am. It would be wonderful to be in Germany. But I can almost feel I am there when I read about it, view the pictures, listen to the music and enjoy the food. I've always been able to take in the world through study in a way that is satisfying enough. Yes, to be in person would be better. It would be the penultimate joy. The other part of the answer is that I can not let my imagination lose like I used to. I can not make myself forget the fact that money is an object. It is the object that will get in my way every time that I try to do something nice for me.

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