Harder Before Easier

Last year around this time we began our travels across the country side. It had actually begun a bit earlier when we were looking for places to rent. We decided that this region was not only easier to navigate but prettier and would yield more interesting pictures in the Spring and Summer. Plus mushrooms. A lot of things change in a year. My navigator and guide is no longer with me. And it isn't easy to look at the huge collection of photos that I have of the time together, adjust the plans we made together for this year and then look out the window onto a world that feels wrong in every sense of the word.


While it wasn't the healthiest relationship in the end, at least it started out healthier than any I've been in before. I didn't come to it in as weak a position as I have with others... though also not the strongest. It was a manageable situation that didn't need to strain anyone. And we enjoyed last Spring and Summer tremendously. I had the time to enjoy it. That is not the case this year.

I do not have time. And I don't have the physical ability to do much beyond my job. Currently I am in the most physically demanding position that we have and am out of shape for it. When I get home I can barely move... thus staying close to home for the wildlife shots. Listening to the birds this morning is driving me nuts. Today would be the perfect day to mushroom hunt. There are going to be lots of photo ops in the woods. There will be lots of mushroom. It is the perfect time to get those budding shots of the trees.

This is the moment in the circle of life when it seems as though the plants are holding their breath. They are in partial bloom, not fully unfurled lest it snow again. They wait. And the rest of creation waits for that magic moment when everything finally bursts open fully and the active season launches for real. I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting for it to be safe to be fully alive and awakened again. And I keep waiting for that familiar phone number to text me to say that breaking up was all a mistake... even after the snotty email I sent.

It is drizzling this morning. Somehow the feeling in my heart matches the day and I can not even contemplate the next few months without him. Everything changed in the blink of an eye 6 weeks ago. I don't even have the defenses that I used to have. All am can do is feel... every nerve is on fire. Every memory is a scald....

Perhaps this is a good day for some Wilden Tränen, the sky cries and so do I.