Friday, September 25, 2015
Altschmerz, Same Shit Different Day
Boy have I had this bad!!!!!!!!!! When I was living in a hotel and a lot of the people that I trusted as friends turned out to be anything but friends, when sleeping on the floors in churches felt like a Hobbit Adventure gone wrong and no matter what choices I made the outcome was only a big stinky pile of poop I felt this.
Nothing changed. The same arguments, the same defense, the same professions of incompetence the same staunch stiff upper lip: it always ended in weeks if not months of wallowing in this quagmire of flaws and anxieties.
There is in truth factual evidence that some of my issues will not go away. Some of my issues are personality traits. Some of my issues are fiscal. And there is no way on what I make that the debts are going to be cleared in my lifetime. These thing are true.
What is not true is that I will and should always be depressed about them.
The personality traits that plague me don't really plague me. They plague people who do not like me. And in an attempt to get them to like me enough to leave off with the abuse I try to mould myself into the preferred shape. That trick never works. As soon as I am restored to my own personality and free myself of the influence of manipulative people I am free of the malaise that comes of being stuck being me.
I have yet to discover a trick to dealing with the same old money issues. They will plague me forever. And the Altschmerz is ever present in those musings. But at least the condition is decreased by half.
I really need to figure out if this is a real German word or just totally made up.