The light is different again. It has been changing for weeks. But today is the day that the degrees of difference were notable. Tonight at 9pm it was suddenly dark. The sun had set when I wasn't looking. Wild fire smoke has made the light different, hazy when it should not be. And a coming storm made today a notable atmosphere day.
I want the change to come because it means I can breathe. Work will slow. But I want the change to come because he asked me to live with him. In the later part of the fall he needs a room mate. A partner of a kind. It is only that since he asked I haven't heard from him. I don't know what this is all about. I am confused. And with the changing of the light, the time for action draws close.
We have been here before, he and I. Drawing close then running away. I've been so busy with work we have not met up and I have had tech issues which are now resolved but may have left him wondering. Or we are doing what we always do and running from what we want because we are afraid.
What is there to fear?
For one thing, that nothing in the imagination will measure up to life. A valid concern, to be sure. And while valid... also self sabotaging. The more we want this thing the more we imagine. and the more we imagine the more anxiety over our concerns builds up.
The other thing to fear is that we do not deserve a thing such as this could be. In in fearing that we do not deserve this thing we drive it away. So we assure that the thing will not manifest.
And this is all so stupid. I don't even know what to call this Thing That Always Could Have Been Yet Never Was. I want to move on from this location for many reasons. Mostly because there is an opportunity to be right and happy at the same time. And because it is not very often that fate lets you have more than one change with someone in one lifetime. I don't know what his real intention is. I only know from the past that he doesn't move on from a bad relationship until he has a new one ready to go. But he hasn't asked me to be a girlfriend. Only a roommate. Ugh.... it is so hard to interpret people when they are vague.
I don't want to blow up his phone. Nor do I want to bother him at work. But he went through a lot of effort to find me.... 4 months of dedicated searching. I should at least match with the same. Yes?