Melancholy again. I know that cause. I can not talk about it just yet. All I can say is that there is a deep hurt. A pattern repeated. I failed to heed advice that I give others. While I did not put all of my eggs in one basket. I did manage to allow myself the chance to have this feeling again.
For years he has only been a password. Even while I was with the last boyfriend he was a password to honor the memory of something really great. Oh, I will never ever forget him. But since I had come to a place where I could live and breathe without every thought of him causing pain, the honor was bestowed.
And then we met again. and we planned again.
And he is gone again.
I wan to believe that I miss marked the dates of his pre-planned obligations and the the communications black out is a result of my failed memory. Experience has taught me that I took too long to settle my life and make a hole for him to occupy. He patiently pursued me a good long time. But in the end, when things have to happen and they have to happen at a certain time he does not bear hang ups patiently.
The not knowing hurts more than anything else.
I regret nothing. I have gained a picture of him that I never thought that I could possess. It is a picture powerful enough to erase many other images. Powerful enough to haunt waking hours.
I do not hurt in such ways as to cause damage to my innards. But the heart is heavy enough that all I would want to do is sleep.
I need sleep. But not for this reason. This is not a good sign.