You'll notice from the last couple of posts that things aren't quite right. I've been off of a med for a couple of weeks now so I am feeling things. Finally! I was starting to worry that I would never feel anything again. Sadly though all I feel is anger and frustration.
That button is stuck. We don't know if it is the med or the situation. But it is stuck. All of my other feels are shut down. I can not feel interest. I can not feel joy. I do not sense the attachment to people in my life that I know those relationships need. I can not feel engaged in activities other than baking. And it still isn't the kind of engaged I am accustomed to. It isn't apathy. I still do stuff. I just can not feel the normal sensations of being while doing stuff.
But anger. I feel that. I feel it first, hardest and the longest. I got an internal personal squee when I bought a 2 pack of ceramic dishes in colors that match the kitchen for 5.00. It lasted 5 minutes during purchase. And about 3 minutes following the success of the pot pies I made in them. And that is it. I don't enjoy my long baths anymore. I can't wait to take one but then can't wait to get out. I put in a movie I haven't watched in a while and then I don't watch it while it is on.
Except Scoop. Remember how disappointed I was in 2008 when I watched it in my Hugh Jackman phase? Remember how I loathed it because of Woody Allen and then the story just made me mad? I do. I can't find that post to link to though. Anyway, it's on Netflix and I had it on in the background while I was working on a project. Ended up watching and liking it. Like Kate and Leopold better still. But my whole relationship to the movie is backwards. And the thing is, it still isn't a good movie. The plot is weak and the characters typical Allen shallow. But I liked it! What the hell?
Seriously, what the hell.
Anger is so close on the surface I can't find the diplomacy filter. I don't have time even if I knew where I put it. The anger never goes away completely between finding things that make me mad. And then BOOM! my brain goes all Nagasaki on something. Before the fallout is done with its glittery bloom something else comes up. I'd like to avoid politics because that is the biggest trigger. But I know that if I do I am going to be stuck wondering later how we are in the mess we will be in.
No, something is wrong. I sit down to write my pen pal, a blog post or to read other people's blogs and I can't find the connection to the people that makes connecting words to them make sense.So I have accomplished exactly zero of what I want to do. Zero of what I need to do and absolutely have zero connection to me right now.
I don't know what is going on and the doctor isn't a mental health pro so he is lost. Referral and send me to a shrink for analysis. Two year waiting list to see any of them in town. Unless I have an emergency. I;ll need to attempt suicide to get bumped to the top of the list. Isn't that fucked up.
Why did you try to kill yourself, Miss?
To get an appointment.
Of course it's insane. They don't pay people with degrees here enough to keep them in positions so there is a shortage. Our town doesn't pay ANYONE a good wage, skilled or unskilled. Degree or no degree. But that is another tangent for another time.
Something isn't right in my head. The buttons aren't wired right. It's like there was a system crash that freezes screens as soon as I open another tab to get to a file. It's frustrating.