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Saturday, September 3, 2016

Bit of life

Antisocial behavior is rearing its ugly head. Disinterest in things that I could list as interests. I've drawn all week and it hasn't helped aleviate any of the hard thought pounding at my walled defenses. Music isn't helping either.

I've been rejected for many jobs despite the market being overrun with empty positions that need to be filled. That and the loss of a friend are taking its toll. I keep thinking that I should have known better than to get my hopes up. But there is was, almost a year later, and the encouraging out loud self talk started: outlining the positives in our friendship, reminding me how much fun we are having and being sure to remind me how awesome it is that I always have his back. And then poof.... gone like a vampire in draped in a cloak he's gone. Not dead. Not moved to another city/county/state/country. Just completely involved in someone else despite enjoying "everything that we have". Not the first time that it has happened. Won't be the last.

I need someone to have my back. I need to get outside of myself and getting together to play games or hit up a store downtown are things that we did to get us both out of the house and out of our heads. His cat is good company and I miss her too. But I am just the backup therapist.

I'm in the middle of grief and I don't know why I should be since I saw this coming. And like I said, he's not dead. Just unavailable to me. Still talking to his other friends. Still posting stuff on facebook. But I'm out in the weeds even though he "misses hanging out". I'm not driving, I'm not working. He has to fit me into a schedule and there just is no place for me in it.

Little consolation to know that I did nothing wrong.

Housemate wants me out at the firepit but I'm not a fire pit kind of person. Even when I feel like being social that isn't my scene. So now I am trying to go to bed but the thoughts in my head keep running like my brain is a marathon course. I'm running at a snails pace to keep up with all the thoughts.

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