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Sunday, September 4, 2016

Much too Late for Goodbye

Thanks for the start of a Good Summer, weekends chillin' with games, the canoe trip and just generally good company.

And thanks for ignoring me the last few weeks. Thanks for breaking the promise that something like this wouldn't happen. Again. Thanks for making sure that I knew what you wanted me to know; how great everything is. We've got each other's back, you really enjoy the time that we spend together.

Thanks for not asking how my heart was, how the BP is, how anything was going when you talked to me last. Thanks for asking me to sort out your last goodbye email.

Thanks for ignoring my texts and emails, for not answering the last phone message I left, for saying we should get together and then not.

Thanks for saying that you miss me though. That was a nice touch.
But here's the thing. She was right, Your actions speak for the authenticity of your words.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here and say that you give words we want to here, that you think will soften the blow so that you can do what you want and no feel bad. Afterall.... you told us nice things. But if those nice things are not the truth it doesn't matter. If those nice things are not the truth then they cease to be nice.

I told you when we resumed our friendship that I had changed. I am in the middle of menopause and that has ramifications that even I do not know how they will manifest. I told you that I can not predict how I am going to react to anything. And, I also told you that as I am 46, I am menopausal and I have absolutely had enough of being "left for better". I told you that I have no patience for people who won't follow through. The last time this pattern emerged I gave you seven months to figure your shit out and stop ignoring me. Because you ignore me when you are hiding something that is uncomfortable for you or you are assuming is going to be uncomfortable for me. And you don't like discomfort. I gave you seven months to figure things out.

I don't have seven months for you this time. I have exactly seven weeks. And we are passed that.

You kept saying on that last car ride that you were glad that I had your back.
But you don't have mine.
That isn't how friendships work, one sided. They are supposed to go both ways. But ours hasn't.
That means this isn't a friendship. I'm not sure when it stopped being a friendship. And now I don't care. Because on top of everything else I have to fix, endure, and process I have to grieve the loss of a friendship. I have to grieve all of my losses because there is never just one.

I don't know if you know how much I hate crying.
But I hate crying.
I hate crying and I hate being wrong about people.

I also hate people proving my doubts should be trusted more than my faith. You and Dave have both reinforced my doubts. I can not have faith in anything because hope doesn't comfort when you get let down. And I didn't have any greater expectations of things than that you would honor your word. That was the only expectation that I had and it is one that you said I could have.

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