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Wednesday, September 7, 2016

It's All About Trust

I should apologize to Julian Lennon for quoting him in that last title. It was meant to be attention getting and to be short and to the point. All of which it was, but I still feel bad for dumping the melodrama into the song. I'm trying to put my life back together after the heart issues and this isn't helping. Grief isn't helping me do anything but remember why I don't like people.

Aside from the nastiness in many, I don't like to get close to people because they always go away. Death I get. It happens. But the walking away and leaving a person wondering what is going on? That I don't get. State your business and move on. I'd prefer though if people just wouldn't get attached to me at all. Maybe this is only true today because depression is right here saying "I told you so." Maybe it is only true because I was wrong and I hate being wrong.

I keep people at arm's length for a reason. Aside from not really knowing how to handle personal situations, I keep people away because they always go. I try to keep hope out of things too. It's a let down even on days when I feel strong. I don't trust. Trusting people and having it destroyed was a daily occurrence in my house growing up. Systematic psychological torture. I went out into the world uncertain of every thing which is not normal. And when I tell people that i have those issues and they still want to be friends, it's the thing that I expect people to be the most tender about.

But do you know how they decide to help me with trust issues? They same way that they want to teach me to swim. Throwing me in the water and see how I do then yell at me for nearly drowning.

I can't have people in my life like that because one day one of them will kill me. It will be quite by accident. But it will happen. I might not know what to do with my life but I know that I am not ready for it to be over.

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