Well, I have been outsted as the executor. I've been rather mute on the subject because quite simply, it's painful and it's family and it isn't for public consumption... but who reads this stuff anyway? So Here I go... no real specifics.
My brother is now in charge. And the bottom line is that I will walk away with barely enough to start over. I may have about 2000.00 more than what my last boyfriend weedeled out of me. Not enough to start my business, not enough to repay all my debts and loans and not enough to move if I were to do all of it at once. I will not have enough to be at the ground zero of the rest of my life. I will however have enough to remain in a personal and spiritual limbo for the rest of this physical life if I choose the wrong thing to spend my inheritence on. And that scares me like nothing ever has.
Do I invest in the debts or do I invest in the next phase of my life?
In the "debts" column, I eliminate the guilt and psuedo-looser status that I have given myself.
In the "next phase" column the investment will allow me the funding to start the stamp thing without going further into debt, will get me out of debt and will allow me all kinds of freedom that debtedness does not allow and the best part about investing in the future and investing in me is that my asset is undervalued enough to give me incredible returns (Orman).
No brainer isn't it? I should invest in the next phase of my life. Not only is that column longer, but the items in the column start me from a position of strength. If I invest only in column "A" I loose the "Looser" status only long enough to gain it back with the next hurdle someone designs to trip me as I jump. Column "B" eliminates the looser status in a permanent way that the first column could never do. So why am I toying with the idea that I should be safe and take Column "A"?
Because some sick part of me wants my brother's approval so badly that I am willing to let him dictate my future, because if i obey he might like me. Because if I yeild to what he percieves is his superior wisdom he will like me a little bit. And what is the first thing I tell people in a profile? "I am the captain of my own destiny... you will not commandeer my ship!" This would be the only time you can use Kirk's voice to read my words that I won't nerve pinch you to death, or want to shove Shatner out a hull breach. As Ireminded my friend Karen, and myself, family isn't anythicker than ones degree of jealousy. You only have to look to the first book of the Bible to know that I have a typical relationship with my brother and no matter how much I might love him, my love wouldn't stop him from bashing my head when he thinks no one is looking (Genesis: Cain & Abel).
I suffer from Waltonsesque dellusions. And I have forgotten one of the best lessons from Star Trek TNG character development: you can't pick the family you're born into but that's what adoption is for. Will's dad was rank, Jean-Luc's brother was a grumpy ass bastard (o.b.m.), Deanna's mom... well, 'nuf said, Worf's parents were nice but they weren't Klingon, Geordie had a happier life than most and that made him accept everyone (yea Geordie), Wesley's dad died, Beverly's mom died and she had no sisters, Data's dad was a wacko and his brother was a sadistic egomanic with homicidal and dictatorial tendencies plus Data lost a child. These people were as close to the ideal family as you could get and not be fascile about life. Nothing wrong with adoption. Blood is thicker than water because of it's chemical composition, not because it means more.
I told my brother that when I have my money I'm gone. Did I mean physically or did I mean that I would be dead to him? I don't know. Depends on what nanosecond of the day we're talking about. But, I have always adopted my friends as family. After the initial shock that I (and my sister) could thinck as much of "strangers" as we thought of our parents, my dad was pretty on board with the concept. He and his brothers were close and that wasn't entirely normal in his generation either. When he was dying and someone was willing to adopt me in spirit he felt he could let go. I was the second reason he hung on so long. (The other was that he wanted to live longer than Uncle Donald did). So now, add to column "B" autonomy.
And that makes me wonder... how will I choose?
Complete freedom isn't any more appealing than complete subjugation.
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