Saturday, August 30, 2008
New Feature
Blogger is introducing a feature that will allow me to follow my readers to their interests. i am so excited. And as this will let me expand my world and make more connections (as a 6th degree geek should) I can't be happier. Now I just need a site meter.
Dance in Golden Glory
I love the Fall. Some of my favorite things will happen soon. Picking apples and canning applesauce; Rosh Hoshanna; making the Sultana strudel that will mellow in the freezer for the winter holidays; driving Leelanau peninsula; making pumpkin bread & muffins; playing in freshly raked leaf piles with my niece... good times.
Autumn keeps rhythm
in bright golden russet ragtime
Leaves dance to the wind songs
Maples and Oaks flirt with sun-warmed soil
The writhing tapestry sets my feet dancing
barefoot through tasks still unfinished
Liquid golden sunshine
quickens the life still in the trees
I quicken too.
These autumnal evenings
leave frosty clues to Winter's arrival
Decadent ragtime melodies
set the score for busy days.
Brassy and quick.
It is a doorway to youth...
amber days of peaceful reflection after a long season.
Holidays and their frenetic pace
do not overwhelm me.
The melodies keep me in time.
Vigorous. Unhurried.
The tasks rise above drudgery. After all
these are days to celebrate.
These are days of joy.
What is more joyful than a care free dance in Golden Glory?
Ensigns of Command
I can't bark. Oh, everyone I'm in charge of likes me; loves hanging out with me at lunch and we joke a lot. But when it comes to cracking the whip... I'm no commander Riker. And I get walked on. It happened at TOGO's, Daddy Mac's and it has happened here.
Dylan and Brooke will do whatever I ask. But the others decide only to work when they want to work. I've come to the conclusion that I have the wrong idea about command. You can't be friends with subordinates.
I work harder for people I like. Which in the long run means I work 49 gazillion times harder than is otherwise called for. And I think most people would. I have a Sesame Street concept of cooperation that is not shared with the uneducated masses. And thus I get stuck with all the work. And a lot of resentment. As I said to Ron today, "I'm about ready to go all Chernobyl on people."
"Keep in mind we don't have radiation suits." He said with a smile. I took it to be reassuring. So in turn, I reassured him that I would strengthen the containment field to reduce the collateral damage.
I don't think he was reassured. I know I wasn't. I had to be the hard ass I hate. I prefer to give people what they need to get their work done. I have always empathized with the Horse in Animal Farm. Now that I have said that, I remember the Horse worked itself to a grizzly demise while the pigs lived their "Some are more equal than others" lifestyle.
Orwellian futures suck.
Dylan and Brooke will do whatever I ask. But the others decide only to work when they want to work. I've come to the conclusion that I have the wrong idea about command. You can't be friends with subordinates.
I work harder for people I like. Which in the long run means I work 49 gazillion times harder than is otherwise called for. And I think most people would. I have a Sesame Street concept of cooperation that is not shared with the uneducated masses. And thus I get stuck with all the work. And a lot of resentment. As I said to Ron today, "I'm about ready to go all Chernobyl on people."
"Keep in mind we don't have radiation suits." He said with a smile. I took it to be reassuring. So in turn, I reassured him that I would strengthen the containment field to reduce the collateral damage.
I don't think he was reassured. I know I wasn't. I had to be the hard ass I hate. I prefer to give people what they need to get their work done. I have always empathized with the Horse in Animal Farm. Now that I have said that, I remember the Horse worked itself to a grizzly demise while the pigs lived their "Some are more equal than others" lifestyle.
Orwellian futures suck.
Neil Diamond sings the MONKEES/
I don't know if I like him singing the songs. I definitely subscribe to the alleged theory that he wrote some of the songs. I'll have to ponder this version of I'm a Believer.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Smack! right between the Eyes
There is no way around it. I am a girl. No matter how strongly I wish and pray for it to be otherwise, I am. And in this current state, where it is undeniably true, I can only say this...
I hate biology. Everything was going just fine for a while. I could create art at the drop of a hat. I had a well of emotional experience to draw from that gave me wonderful positive imagery and bright colors for the works I thought would inspire.
I haven't been at a canvas in months. The last time I sat down to a session, I had just finished working with the root chakra in Verta's class. And I got stuck. The heart was easy after I cranked out, what I must say in my own horn tooting way, was a brilliant solar plexus. But then I went onto the sacral... things slowed down. It won't open. I thought maybe I could get to the root (pun intended) and work my way up. I got the motif for the hand made stamp to use in the background. But that's it.
I settled on a lily motif. It is my standby favorite... the Stargazer. It is an Asiatic lily with translucent white petals and a blood red speckling with a heavy concentration of spots near the stamen. From the center toward the midpoint of each petal a gorgeous autumn sunset hot pink bleeds across the petal. It is beautiful. I used to grow them. They were to be the center point of my ST:TNG garden as that was captain Picard's first ship as captain. But during my last relationship, the stargazer became our flower. It was the center of artwork we collaborated on. Now that the relationship is over, and since it ended badly, the stargazer is an archaic symbol of former glory. My love boat is very much like Picard's Stargazer after the battle of Maxima... a derelict ghost ship.
The heart has to participate in creation. This is the well from which I have to draw right now. I can't believe that it took me this long to figure it out. I may never have figured it out if it weren't for my current biologic malfunction. Traditionally lilies of any stripe are death flowers. The smell is strong enough to mask decay, which is part of why funerals use them. I certainly hadn't been able to smell how rotten my state was. Now that I am crying over everything, I have to acknowledge the possibility that my heart is unhealthy.
It isn't that I can't love. I am afraid. I am afraid that as good as a relationship can be it will always end in tragic disappointment. I don't really want to love someone for fear that I will hate them later. Or worse, that I won't hate him enough and let him come back to do more harm. But... without love, there is nothing. And that's exactly what is on my studio table. A big mess of nothing.
I have to start all over again. I have to take these great new friendships, the kids, ACG, and a reconnection with old school chums to rebuild my foundation. I've been cold inside. I, had hoped that the Internet dating would be, could be, a way to relight the pilot, so to speak. But, I won't make that kind of connection until the furnace is warm. No one comes to a cold house. And here I think I should be greatful that ACG and I are great friends. He didn't run screaming and he didn't feel that Tikkun kind of spark. I can't imagine the kind of chaos my unhealthy heart could have done to him, and or us, had there been one.
I'll know I am ready for a healthy future when I can make art for others again. I'm already getting better. I want to make artwork for my new friends. I just haven't the drive to put it out there. Perhaps there is no better way for me to know when I am ready for this or not. If art is my heart and I can't give the art away, or have apoplectic fits over the decision to share, then maybe i am not as ready as I thought I was when i signed up for this crazy ride. Then again, had I not signed up... chicken and eggs. Can't have one without the other but which came first is any body's guess.
I hate biology. Everything was going just fine for a while. I could create art at the drop of a hat. I had a well of emotional experience to draw from that gave me wonderful positive imagery and bright colors for the works I thought would inspire.
I haven't been at a canvas in months. The last time I sat down to a session, I had just finished working with the root chakra in Verta's class. And I got stuck. The heart was easy after I cranked out, what I must say in my own horn tooting way, was a brilliant solar plexus. But then I went onto the sacral... things slowed down. It won't open. I thought maybe I could get to the root (pun intended) and work my way up. I got the motif for the hand made stamp to use in the background. But that's it.
I settled on a lily motif. It is my standby favorite... the Stargazer. It is an Asiatic lily with translucent white petals and a blood red speckling with a heavy concentration of spots near the stamen. From the center toward the midpoint of each petal a gorgeous autumn sunset hot pink bleeds across the petal. It is beautiful. I used to grow them. They were to be the center point of my ST:TNG garden as that was captain Picard's first ship as captain. But during my last relationship, the stargazer became our flower. It was the center of artwork we collaborated on. Now that the relationship is over, and since it ended badly, the stargazer is an archaic symbol of former glory. My love boat is very much like Picard's Stargazer after the battle of Maxima... a derelict ghost ship.
The heart has to participate in creation. This is the well from which I have to draw right now. I can't believe that it took me this long to figure it out. I may never have figured it out if it weren't for my current biologic malfunction. Traditionally lilies of any stripe are death flowers. The smell is strong enough to mask decay, which is part of why funerals use them. I certainly hadn't been able to smell how rotten my state was. Now that I am crying over everything, I have to acknowledge the possibility that my heart is unhealthy.
It isn't that I can't love. I am afraid. I am afraid that as good as a relationship can be it will always end in tragic disappointment. I don't really want to love someone for fear that I will hate them later. Or worse, that I won't hate him enough and let him come back to do more harm. But... without love, there is nothing. And that's exactly what is on my studio table. A big mess of nothing.
I have to start all over again. I have to take these great new friendships, the kids, ACG, and a reconnection with old school chums to rebuild my foundation. I've been cold inside. I, had hoped that the Internet dating would be, could be, a way to relight the pilot, so to speak. But, I won't make that kind of connection until the furnace is warm. No one comes to a cold house. And here I think I should be greatful that ACG and I are great friends. He didn't run screaming and he didn't feel that Tikkun kind of spark. I can't imagine the kind of chaos my unhealthy heart could have done to him, and or us, had there been one.
I'll know I am ready for a healthy future when I can make art for others again. I'm already getting better. I want to make artwork for my new friends. I just haven't the drive to put it out there. Perhaps there is no better way for me to know when I am ready for this or not. If art is my heart and I can't give the art away, or have apoplectic fits over the decision to share, then maybe i am not as ready as I thought I was when i signed up for this crazy ride. Then again, had I not signed up... chicken and eggs. Can't have one without the other but which came first is any body's guess.
My next blog will be paper
Sorry. Bad reference to Everafter.
I have written today. But it won't post until 9pm. I have a reason for doing this. It needs to sink in for a while. I'm not dithering as to wether or not I should have written it. I want it to sink in before I answer any questions. In the meantime, here are words that pertain:
Inside ny head's a box of stars
I never dared to open
I have written today. But it won't post until 9pm. I have a reason for doing this. It needs to sink in for a while. I'm not dithering as to wether or not I should have written it. I want it to sink in before I answer any questions. In the meantime, here are words that pertain:
Inside ny head's a box of stars
I never dared to open
Monday, August 25, 2008
I'm back to hating this whole techno thing
I can not get the colors right. There is an error somewhere that won't let me view the site as I change colors. And I can no longer sample the colors from the header and edit so that I can have the exact colors that I had before. The pretty pinks and greens with the purple are gone. Even Wil's site looks wrong from this computer. he ahd a richer olive hue than the deep sea green that is his header. UGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I shall have to try tis again tomorrow:(
I shall have to try tis again tomorrow:(
fangirl squeee
I just found a Calvin and Hobbes site that lets registered users make their own strips. Yipeeeeee!
So I will hare what I sent my friend this morning. I want Calvin and Hobbes emoticons.
What would be more telling? a smiley that jumps up and down and screams "OMG No Waay!" or Calvin's triumphal glee went besting Hobbes?
A lot of days in the hotel business I walk around with Calvin's little smudgey cloud over my head, grimacing and keeping on the path straight to world domination through transmogrification. Brad knows when he sees me to steer clear. Other times, like today, I would like to have a Wistful Calvin watching the clouds. This would be most helpful to preface a soliloquy so that somebody doesn't think I am ranting when I am musing. At my most philosophical... Calvin and Hobbes under the stars.
So I will hare what I sent my friend this morning. I want Calvin and Hobbes emoticons.
What would be more telling? a smiley that jumps up and down and screams "OMG No Waay!" or Calvin's triumphal glee went besting Hobbes?
A lot of days in the hotel business I walk around with Calvin's little smudgey cloud over my head, grimacing and keeping on the path straight to world domination through transmogrification. Brad knows when he sees me to steer clear. Other times, like today, I would like to have a Wistful Calvin watching the clouds. This would be most helpful to preface a soliloquy so that somebody doesn't think I am ranting when I am musing. At my most philosophical... Calvin and Hobbes under the stars.
Of course other necessities would be:
- Calvin's mom smacking her head.
- Angelic Calvin pretending he didn't smack Susie with a snowball.
- Evil Maniacal Calvin rubbing his hands together for days when I contemplate how best to eradicate the evil that is my brother.
- Joyous Rapture Calvin.
- Disappointed Calvin.
- Calvin Wresting with his Vegetarian Surprise.
- Calvin Analyzing his Vege Surprise.
- Calvin Eating Vege Surprise.
- Calvin's Dad Confused... it is the best expression of WTF evah!
- And for days when one is caught in an accretion disk, being drawn inevitably into the gaping maw of a supermassive blackhole... Calvin in his Red Wagon Careening Downhill, eyes bulging, screaming and holding on for dear life.
- And for days when you feel like the Big Guy is using you to test stand up material before springing it on a fresh audience... Snowman Bisected by Red Plastic Sled in Drive Way.
- Hobbes Smug Superiority
- Hobbes sniggering behind his hand
- Hobbes ROTFL
- Hobbes Stretching
- Hobbes' WTF
- Hobbes Rubbing his Chin
These are but a few that would make me happy to have.
I don't know what happened
I set up this pretty blog and adjusted the colors to suit my tastes. It was all pretty purples and greens. Then I get this laptop and now it looks gross. If I ask you all if the colors still have their vibrancy is that the digital equivalent of asking if a dress makes my but look big?
HAL may win after all. [sad face]
So if anyone was wondering if I suddenly went color blind the answer is no. My screen just won't agree with my eyes.
HAL may win after all. [sad face]
So if anyone was wondering if I suddenly went color blind the answer is no. My screen just won't agree with my eyes.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
And on the Personal Front
ACG is my new best friend. This is the best thing to happen in a while, people wise at least. My best assessment for the situation is that this is my year to make tons of friends, perhaps influence people, and build foundation for the final break from my family. It is clear that I will never measure up to their expectations, no matter the rational for said expectations. Verta keeps telling me that I can't live by an other's sword as easily as die by it. Now that I understand this, the ability is being given me.
I have always maintained that none of us can live totally isolated from the world, even if we find the pain of it completely unbearable. And I am supported in that belief by the way my community life is shaping up. First, the new job. I have made tons of good friends there and I feel very good about who I am. Second, in my interactions with stores I frequent, I have made good connections. I can have conversations with the barista's beyond just the tip manifesting chit chat. Third, having gone on line, I have connected with some pretty amazing people, ACG chief among them. With this year being a reunion year, I have been able to reconnect with some people that, as would happen, I missed out on in school because of my fear of further torment. And of course, Verta's group continues to expand my circles. In short, the upside of this crazy machine, is that the world has opened up in ways that I would never have imagined two months ago.
And that is something that I think will continue to be a theme in my life this year, and in the lives of many of my friends, old and new. G'd does amazing things when we let him. The biggest obstacle He faces is our belief that we are worth His blessings. Believe people. Believe. Believe and receive.
I have always maintained that none of us can live totally isolated from the world, even if we find the pain of it completely unbearable. And I am supported in that belief by the way my community life is shaping up. First, the new job. I have made tons of good friends there and I feel very good about who I am. Second, in my interactions with stores I frequent, I have made good connections. I can have conversations with the barista's beyond just the tip manifesting chit chat. Third, having gone on line, I have connected with some pretty amazing people, ACG chief among them. With this year being a reunion year, I have been able to reconnect with some people that, as would happen, I missed out on in school because of my fear of further torment. And of course, Verta's group continues to expand my circles. In short, the upside of this crazy machine, is that the world has opened up in ways that I would never have imagined two months ago.
And that is something that I think will continue to be a theme in my life this year, and in the lives of many of my friends, old and new. G'd does amazing things when we let him. The biggest obstacle He faces is our belief that we are worth His blessings. Believe people. Believe. Believe and receive.
I'm in!
I am now part of the techno age. Woo hoo!
Last night I finaly figured out how to download pictures from my computer. It requires using the webcam for still shots. But i got it. Iwent home and played with pictures of my artwork. That will be a bit problematic as there is tremendous washout in artificial light. This gizmo doesn't have advanced adobe adjustments and the basics just don't get it right. Yes, I am a littlee anal retentive about it. It's my art. My soul... my stars! I just sounded like Shatner in my head... I need caffine.
I probably really need protein, but that is another story. So now that i have some concept of what I am doing, I am very much happier about the state of my blog. For my next trick... art on a blog!
WOOOOOOOOTy WOOOOOOT!!
Last night I finaly figured out how to download pictures from my computer. It requires using the webcam for still shots. But i got it. Iwent home and played with pictures of my artwork. That will be a bit problematic as there is tremendous washout in artificial light. This gizmo doesn't have advanced adobe adjustments and the basics just don't get it right. Yes, I am a littlee anal retentive about it. It's my art. My soul... my stars! I just sounded like Shatner in my head... I need caffine.
I probably really need protein, but that is another story. So now that i have some concept of what I am doing, I am very much happier about the state of my blog. For my next trick... art on a blog!
WOOOOOOOOTy WOOOOOOT!!
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