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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Take your own advice

I just started a They Might Be Giants lyric purge on my Facebook page with Little BirdHouse in Your Soul. I thought it would be a good way to cheer up a rather gloomy northwest michigan morning. I don't know how many more days of rain this is. But I'm seeing a few plans for arks manifesting these days. While it has been fun to make the rounds with people I never thought would be into TMBG the lights are off in my own birdhouse.

It's going to be a long couple of months. I can feel the gloom settle fairly solidly right now. The Castle book was great for a temporary fix. I've giggled all morning with Wil Wheaton's podcasts of Memories of the Future. But the laughter doesn't stay. Rain washes away the feelings pretty quickly. And a Fleetwood Mac song just hit me: "Lovers only love you when they're playing". Sir Knight certainly got bored withthe play and that's all there was gonna be. Top that with the recurring Autmnal period of zakor and I'm screwed.
I want my grandparents. I want my dad. I want a better version of Matt; you know, the one that actually sticks around and means what he says. I have great people to work with. I live with tons of people and my facebook account grows all the time. But I feel so alone. It isn't just lonliness. It is alone. For all the people that I have around me I don't have the one thing that I need so much. Which, now that Ithink about it, is what drivees me nuts about the housecat. He'll love me a long time, forever, deeply and affectionately... but he's a cat. The purring is hypnotic. The warmth is welcome. But he's just a little guy, there isn't much mass to him even though he's all muscle. And he can't hug. Grab yes. Nip yes. Hug no. But I don't want the affection of a pet.
I want the affection of a deep personal bond.
I want a real lasting relationship that is, for both of us, a safe haven from the rest of the world. Yeah, physical intimacy would be nice. But that isn't all it should be.
Dad would have liked Castle. He wouldn't getthe twitter thing. Gramma would have learned it because I am doing it. But still... just someplace where it is okay to be me. Okay for him to be him and we revel in each others uniqueness. Why was it so hard for Matt to stay?

Looks like I have found the crux of my problem. I "Got on with my life" as told and did not process the grief. Oooohh there's a smart maneuver for teh braintrust to try when he faces certain doom at the hands of a overly hyped here-to-for unseen enemy of the Federation. Pin that to your fancy cable knit sweater!

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