Most of my days are taken up with learning some new music. I've mentioned Matthias Reim in a past post. The more I listen to the work, the more I like. The only other artist who has been susccessful in capturing my sustainable and appreciative attention is Sting. They are similar thematically and each has the fortitude to say what goes on in the heart and the mind. Neither of them make any apology for the directness of their thoughts. Both of them have a range of styles. I haven't heard anything jazzy from Reim and Sting hasn't done anything "poppy" in years. Both of them have voices that resonate calmness within, which as I said before is great for getting the creative things out.
While I am learning this music, my german is improving a little bit and my pronunciation is really shaping up. But I am also finding it easier to be honest with myself. Huh? It doesn't hurt either of them to be honest. That kind of honesty gives a person the freedom to live fully. When we hide some of the things that we think will diminish us in others eyes then we don't do anything about it. It makes us think crazy things, hurtful things and then we go under ground with those things. We don't do ourselves or anyone else any favors by hiding.
And it takes a lot for me to say that right now. I didn't hide things from my friends and I sounded nuts and yeah it did get held against me for a while. But if I hadn't talked about it then I would have had no objective opinion of the situation... only my personal crazy. And it turns out I'm not crazy just uneducated on the topic at hand. I want to hide. I want to run away and not face the mess that is in front of me. But that means leaving my real friends just to avoid false friends. Sure, I could call it a tactical retreat. But it isn't. Its just plain cowardice. Stay or go then?
To stay is to endure torture that I don't think that I can handle for a sustained period. To go is to runaway. But at least I wouldn't be lying to myself and saying that it is for any reason other than the fact the it hurts too much to look at someone who lies to me everyday. For some reason... knowing that I am running away and why I am running away makes it easier to accept. I simply have no tools for dealing with someone who lies for the purpose of hurting others. Lying to ones self under the auspices of either False Hope or False Bravado is a subject for another post. This is different. I know there is no defense. I can not control what others believe. And I can not prevent lies from being told. I can not control the colateral damage. And I haven't the skill to catch the lies as they are being told. It is a chess match of sorts. Much as I enjoy the game construction and design, I am not good at it. Never have been because I have never seen life as a war to be won the way that so many others have. This is beyond my meager skills. So I am chosing to run away. Pay is better. The skills I do have can be used better and I may be able one day to advance in this new field. I feel no guilt about running away. I know I am doing it and why.
Without these strong artistic examples, I don't know that I could be honest about it. I need examples in my life because even at 40 I run into situations that task the confidneces that I do have. Without men of courage, men who aren't afraid to tell you what crazy assed things are running through their brains/hearts/blood vessles then I am lost. There really is nothing like honesty. It makes for a clear conscience. It makes for strong relationships of any kind. And it makes for an easier life in the long run because you aren't constantly building shunts to get around the ways you've blocked yourself in and gummed up the works.
That said, I go back to my regularly scheduled date with some awesome German music and think about how I can apply that to a situation that has gone on for too long without resolution. And I wonder if I will find a resolution or if I will just find some beautifully described fiction vignettes like I did in high school and pretend that everything is ok when it is not.