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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

imagination fails

I think that I am experiencing another failure of imagination. I had a long talk with the boss lady at work. On the one hand it sucked. On the other it was illuminating. But still sucky. I've had two days to be in my room and "think about what I've done". Which really in the long run accomplished nothing but the tightness in my chest getting tighter and increasing the brain pain. In short, I don't know how to fix the problem.

In part, I still don't know what the problem is. I have a strong personality. Which means??? And why don't I have more success (read money)? Strong people are achievers and over achievers. A strong character I see. Maybe one of the more memorable Friends or one of Frasier's more colorful girlfriends... but beyond memorable I don't get the strong. Strong says unflappable. And I am definitely flappable. Of course it takes a few months before the flap comes unhinged and then only because there is never any other resolution to an issue be it technical or personal beyond "You're just being a baby." or my personal favorite... not!... "It's all in your head."

Strong also says confident and self assured. I'm not confident at all. With everything in my life I feel like I am on the verge of total failure and it is by luck that I am not the most entertaining homeless person in London ("Man with a Twisted Lip", my fave Holmes story). I never really feel comfortable with my self unless I am at my art table. Even then I get the creative heebie-jeebies when I cut into a piece of paper that I know I will want more of than what I bought. Strong also says brave.

Brave I can see. I'm not afraid to tackle the tough crap. I am afraid of making a bigger mess. But I am not afraid of the crap. I will dig into the stuff that makes other people run for a bottle or pills until I know what it is, understand it and can find a way in/out/through/over/under. But not run from it. My small group in church used to remark all the time that if they had the ghost of my mothers choices to live with they would have run to the furthest edges of the planet than stay here and face things. Brave is refusing to run away when your heart gets broken. Brave is getting up on the horse after it throws you... not avoiding carousels for the rest of your life. Brave isn't always smart. I do a lot of stupid things in the name of bravado. And I'm not always brave. I do a lot of cowardly stuff just like we all do. I'm no MacGyver, chasing bad guys across continents.

Strong can mean opinionated. Opinionated can be negative, egotistical and belittling [enter faded photo of mom] and over bearing when the person turns out to be wrong 80% of the time. I know that I am opinionated. When I know I am right I am pretty bullheaded about it.

But that is the only thing about me that I think, that I see, as strong. Well, feelings of loyalty as well. If you are good to me I am good to you. If you are mean to me you don't exist anymore. I have strong convictions like that.

So I don't know what to do with the statement that I have a strong personality. It was a specific thing to say in a generalized sort of fashion. Unless it was meant to tell me that I have to be a weak personality to survive that conversation I don't know what to do with it.

And I don't know how to fix the other things. I've asked for months and months for some consideration and not only not gotten it. But like dealing with my brother, when people know what I find rude and offensive then that is what they do more and more. When being nice doesn't work then you have to try something else. So I do what gets people's attention. And now I'm in hot water. I think what is expected is that I am supposed to joyfully stick my head in a noose, any noose that is presented. The whole "Thank you sir may I have another" file. It isn't a matter of pride but rather self respect. Who lets people mistreat them on a regular basis? Of course now that the biggest culprits are being disrespected by some new hires that is all changing. Now they know what I am talking about by the little things that build up on a daily basis.

And my solution to prevent my mouth from getting me into more trouble is to not use it. I don't have conversations on subjects beyond Castle, German pop music and weather any more. There really isn't anyone that you can trust. We had that post with the Conversation Starter. I keep my head down and I do my work best as my body and the duties will let me. Which isn't good enough.

As far as the specific thing that makes it hard to muster the courage to go in to work on my next day goes... the only thing that I can think to do is switch to the second shift exclusively. If I can keep my same days off that will be okay. But it is going to make any of the living arrangements I have lined up less than the viable solutions they already were. I keep shrinking myself to fit my circumstances and that isn't really helping anything either. But I can not think of another way out of this with the limited information that I have.

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