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Monday, July 19, 2010

wondering some more

Well, I didn't sleep last night. Criminal Minds until one falls asleep makes for uneasy dreaming when one does get to sleep. I'm so Spencer.

I did go and pay some bills and managed to check the classifieds today. I have a friend in Ludington who is keeping his fingers crossed for me and looking at the Ludington Manistee papers to find something. I think that kind of contact is going to be the way to go. I don't want to bother Sweetie with these issues. We are each others vacation from reality. I don't think that we can be the solutions for day to day stuff. That isn't what we wanted from each other. And as much as we'd like to spend more time together I don't really want to live downstate. Visiting is hard enough.

The only thing that is making it easy to function today is knowing that this is exactly what is supposed to happen. I've avoided some of the premonitions that freaked me out over the last year or so. Even the crunched Focus didn't bother me because I knew that there was a door to opportunity behind that. And I know that the job situation is going to bring me to a better place where I fit honestly instead of because of the pretense of being "ON". From a financial standpoint I am freaking out. From a "You life will be fine" standpoint I am okay. And that puzzles me.

The PCOS thing has me out of control most days. I can't grasp where I am in the hormonal mess even when there is no outside stimuli. And the doctor isn't getting back to me. I got the bill for the tests. But not the information. All I know is that I am always tired, which is the over production of insulin and possibly anemia to boot. There is always a flood of crap running through me which is androgens and a host of endorphins and hormones yet to be announced and I do not need mental pills. I need to get the body back in balance. So how can I have a sense of peace that the right thing is coming along when everything seems to be interfering? Maybe I am just lying to myself and don't know it. Or maybe I am beginning to really lose those marbles that all creative types are said to lose.

Or maybe I am tired of being something that I am not. Never was the most social animal in the world and it looks like I can only pull this "on" comedienne thing off for a few months. Or maybe the Conversation Starter was right: you can't make friends at work, you can't work at being friends with your friends (it has to come easy) and if it's too much work then it isn't the right thing to be doing. Your friends are supposed to be the solution to the problems in life... not another problem/puzzle/riddle/enigma to solve.

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