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Monday, September 16, 2013

an Illustration of Misbegotten Vanity

We live in a society where it is perfectly acceptable to say who you are. And to say it loud and proud. There is only one problem with this new age of self-advertising: some of us have absolutely nothing to be proud of. Please, be aware that your vanity plate, like your username on a website, says almost as much about you as your table manners on a first date. And a vanity plate makes you far more memorable than the average alpha-numeric scramble you get from the DMV. Take heed that what you are advertising is NOT your ignorance or casual disregard for personal safety.
 To illustrate:

This morning I was on my way into work. I drive a busy street to get to the quiet residential short cut. On this busy street I entered the left turn lane and assessed the traffic. A speeding fire truck was headed my way. The intersection I was stopped at is home to one of several metro fire houses. But there was no real way of knowing if it was headed home or moving onward to another fire house. The distance between it and the car that had just gone passed me was not enough to safely allow me to turn without causing distress for the engine driver regardless of where he was going. So I waited.

The car in the left turn lane behind me DID NOT! He cut the fire truck off and sped down the 25 MPH street trying to beat the light at the main thoroughfare. Stunned. Angered. And more furious than fast, I sped only a little to catch up to him. He missed the light and was sitting stopped behind another car. I got right up behind him, pen in hand ready to take down the license plate.

It was a vanity plate. Figures.

It read KHAAAN. No it doesn't.

KHAAAN. Yes it does.

Really? Really?!?!?!?!?!

No. NO. NO. NO. NO!!!!!!!!

Get out of my fan-verse you horrible hot-rodding fool!!!!!!!!!

You aren't Captain Kirk!!!!!!!!!!

That isn't the Enterprise!!!!!!!!!!

And if Karma really is a bitch the next stunt you pull like that will see your car stall in mid turn.

How hard is he going to be to remember? Not.

Of course perhaps it is not his fault. Perhaps he went to the Benedict Cumberbatch Driving School.*

*Now before you all decide to lynch me, let me point out that Ben himself is the harshest critic of his own driving skills based on his recent Top Gear "Star in the Reasonably Priced Car" segment.

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