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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

One Lining a Geek

On line dating is a pain in the ass for a lot of reasons. For me the biggest reason is the one-liners. You know, those cute things guys say that are supposed to make them sound "Fonzie Cool" and make you want to jump in bed with them. I've gotten tons in the last few months. And they are annoying.

Most of them are as simple as "Why aren't you in jail? It should be against the law to look that good."
Um? Thank you? But....
Move along. This isn't the Droid you are looking for.

It's a shy guy trying to not sound like a dithering idiot and getting the guts to talk to you. I know. The problem is that he sounds like a dithering idiot anyway. Did you read the profile? Is there nothing that my profile told you that makes you want to ask a question? Make a comment? Let me know that you read it and understand my terms? No?
Move along. This isn't the Droid you are looking for.

But it is the latest one that really twisted my gizzard:

Can I borrow your library card? I want to check you out.

Really? Excuse my while I put on my Sherlock Resting Bitchface™: If you are checking me out and need a card to do so then I am an item in the library and not a library patron. Therefore I would not possess a library card at all. Do you not understand that a one liner has to make some amount of rational sense? No?
Move along. This isn't the Droid you are looking for.

Good God Cumberbatch whatever you do, DO NOT use a one liner to try to pick up girls. DO, however, notice something about her personality which she has control over and will keep with her when her looks fade and only sparingly complement beauty. Anyone vain enough to want to be praised for her looks is going to be rather high maintenance. And anyone with a personality is going to be fun for you to trade banter with. I'm not saying that banter is a solid foundation but at least with someone who would like to spar with words you have a good shot of building your confidence.

And that is what these guys don't understand. If I have to use smaller words and even smaller concepts we are not going to get along and you should just move along. If I have to explain to you a TARDIS, how a transport works, why Schrödinger's cat jokes are funny, why a landspeeder/Death Star trade is a bad idea or the general appeal of BBC programming and the joys of Schlager music then we aren't going to get along. Unless you read the profile none of that is apparent. And a one liner doesn't do as much to open a door as you think it will.

Now I am not saying that the honest and truly well written letters have yielded a steady beau or are guaranteed to. I am saying that the thoughtful well crafted letter is going to be a better option than a Joey Tribbiani "How you doin'?", a Fonzie "aaay!" or snapping your fingers like the most interesting man in the Universe. I've managed to get some very nice letters, have those letters carry forward to a promising start only to lose the guy in 5 emails or less because Sherlock Resting Bitchface™ came out.

Someday I will find a guy that can handle nerdy as well as everything else I have to throw at him. But until that happens I have to suffer through the one-liners.

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