So last night I was watching a movie with the BF. A scene with a fevered dreamscape born of a Mickied White Russian featured ballet dancers in a bowling theme with a gold pated Operatic fat lady. My brain went right to Bugs Bunny because I am of a certain age and humorous bent that that will happen. Now normally I'd pop off with the first thing that came to mind because I am normally geeking out to these things a lone or with a chorus of cats who don't care. But last night I was with the BF so I behaved.
I almost couldn't stand it. I wanted to so badly.
BF: Kill da wabbit. Kill da wah-bit.
ME: Oh Brwunhilda your so wove-wy.
BF: Yes I know it....
And we fell into such hysterical fits of laughter I thought my flatmate was going to come out of her room with Thunderbolts and lightening. Both of us were crying real tears and barely able to breathe. After about five minutes we calmed down and finished the movie. I will never remember the majority of this movie. But I will remember this scene from my couch forever.
And if we ever go to an opera, it won't be Wagner. Or Rossini.... for more than OBVIOUS REASONS.
And this, dear friends, is a small snapshot of what it is like when you find your tribe. The people who keep telling you to be patient, that it will happen in its own time are right. I think one of the things that we have to remember is that as introverts, its just going to take longer than it takes the extroverts. You've got to quit comparing your successes and life's qualities with everyone else. You will drive yourself mad. Extroverts are naturally on the fast track because they just don't see all the dangers that we do. And honestly, we can knock some of that shit off. I know once I decided to drop my paranoia and the broad brush that I paint people with just because of a few bad incidents I was much happier.
And when you get even a little happier, a little more open, a little more reasonable about what your fears are and the consequences of stepping outside your own box, life gets a lot less scary and a lot less impossible. On a scale of 1 to 100 I was operating at about a 60 on the fear end of the spectrum. Which meant that I was at about a 60 on the sad side of the emotional contentment scale. I didn't have to get 100 % happy. And I didn't have to be 100% brave. All I had to do is move a few points away from that 60. Just a 50 let me ease up some of the anxiety enough to be able to reach out, or accept an invitation.
You get closer to the ideal numbers with others. You can not do all of that by yourself. But you do have to take the first few steps to make those numbers better. If you are too high on the sad and fearful end of the scale you won't make much progress toward the brave and happy end of the scale.
The more you are with people of your interests and personality, the better you can see yourself as part of that group then the closer you are to finding your tribe. When you find your tribe you find more possibilities than limitations and that is what opens your life to great things; great things like hoping to find a Wagner symphony just so you can annoy people with some Bugs and Elmer... or at least fantasize about it.