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Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Has it really been two months?

I guess it has been. Regular posting is a little tricky. Everything is a little tricky right now. I have never been very good at organizing life when it gets complicated by many important parts. That is why I usually try to keep things to a dull 1 focus at a time. Usually that is work first. Art second. And everyone/thing else competing for 3rd. However, life rarely let's you get away with that for too long. And this year's competition for first has been fierce proof of that.

I've been dating the same guy for the last year. That new boyfriend still has the new boyfriend feel. When I worked only 3 or 4 days a week and why had lots of time to hang out that was fun. And I still got to have time for art, blogging, and cooking. So much time that I was able to and in a pen pal and start a new blog at Wordpress. We had fun and I still got to do all the introverted "I'd rather be alone right now" things that I have been accustomed to these last 20 years of being divorced. Much of this has changed since April.

We started dating as the seasons slowed nature and slipped into dormancy. With a hard winter there were no adventures to be had. And since Winter was so long and difficult on the psyche, when Spring finally came we sought the sun and adventure at every turn. My skill sets expanded so that I would fit into his world. As I mentioned; I learned to fish, kayak, we went on the Unintended Library Tour, toured Lighthouses, went foraging for mushrooms after learning about them a bit, & took scenic tours of the area we live. And we did all of that on the one or two days off that I had each week... if I got them off.

I haven't had a lot of time off. And we filled it with the outdoors to make up for a hard winter. And to prepared for another potentially dark winter of endless night. I also moved this year. Again. Adapting to new surroundings is harder and harder each year. An this year is no exception. I am still living out of boxes and it has been over 6 months.

I don't have a kitchen that is conducive to photography. The taste testing goes well. But the photography is abysmal. And there is no changing it until I am in my own space once again.

And there has been a good deal of depression in the last few months. The frustration of not having a settled life. Of trying to figure out how I am going to ever have my own space again is keeping me up at night again. And we know how I am without sleep. Deprivation makes for a precarious situation when navigating the the world.

And then there is the never being alone.
I am always around people. Even if I am in my room I am still in a place full of people. I am an Aquarius. Our symbol should be a pillow. My spirit animal should be an fluffy overstuffed bed with lots of pretty bedding. I love sleep for the dreams, for the solitude and for the time that my brain is not on overdrive. I am not getting it.

I need solitude. Not and icy fortress in the middle of nowhere. And certainly not an ivory tower with yellow beams of light. Though.... if I could have a room in the turret once it is renovated.... that would be awesome. I have no time to regroup. To indulge in the flights of fantasy that keep my brain happy with all the monotony of the mundane.

And so two months here slips by me without much notice. That and now we have issues with the boyfriend and his need for privacy. I haven't given a name because I wouldn't. And I don't have his permission. But I also have been asked to not  divulge the details of our adventures because he doesn't like to think about his life being an open book. I get it. But I am a character in my own life. And that means that I no longer get to write about my adventures. It is nearly impossible to write him out of stories because he is an inextricable part of them.

Now there is a war withing me between self-expression and respecting another's boundaries.

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