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Friday, March 25, 2011

Something else that will get me into trouble later

I am going through something in my life right now that is at once the most terrifying and the most edifying thing that has ever happened to me. I feel like one foot is in hell while the other is on the bottom step of a stairway to heaven. My anxiety order is staring me straight in the face saying "deal with me now". And I am. My opinion of churchy people and my top ten list of reasons why I don't attend an organized church is staring me straight in the face and asking me if I really believe those reasons are valid. I am being challenged to decide if I really am going to wait around for unsupportive people to get a grip and be supportive while being offered the oppotunity for a shorter wait: hell to freeze over. My belief system is being challenged hardcore right now.

Thing is: fixing things comes at a price I don't know if I am willing to pay because there is not a detailed end run cost analysis, just the promise that the long run has a better pay out than the present. There are people I will lose with the repair. When it comes the the hamstringing siblings, I've already accepted that they are already gone. Probate closure is the coffin being lowered into the ground on our little family drama. They will still be alive in their own world but the family is dead. and I have to be okay with that.

But I have to be okay with other things too. I have to be okay with the idea that my mother was right and that the only person who will ever do right be me is going to be me. It seemed so shallow and callous because she judged anyone wo needed help as being weak while she viewed volunteerism as a means to a social ladder she had no other way to climb. she was pessimistic and cynical and overconfident about her own value while she was constantly undercutting someone else (usually us kids and dad). She was wrong about so many things. And the church I grew up in seemed to counter everything she stood for. And it was a refuge when I was little. My life mission was to prove that she was wrong. To find the good in everyone and to prove to her that the global community would do right by its people, especially given that she was bent on destroying so many of us. In the end, given the state that my life is in... I have to concede that she is right. I am my own Knight. My own Muskateer and the only one who will MacGyver a solution to my situation. And that is a grief all its own that I don't think anyone can understand.

There can't be any room in my life for people who don't support my vision, dreams and show the kind of empathic support they want from me. That is a very short list. There can not be any room in my life for people who call me weak as that does nothing to encourage strength, it is a reinforcement of failure. I am stronger than a lot of people realize. And if I have to do everything by myself I will. I just hope that the people in my life understand just what "everything" means.

1 comment:

  1. Giggle, giggle, wink, wink.

    Okay, that made no sense. Well, it did to me.